Chastity is for the Birds

Reread your bibles, dear friends, for your common beliefs on virginity, marriage, and women are confounded and nowhere ordained by God. I ask you, where would we be if all women remained chaste, as we are taught by men to do? We wouldn’t have much of a human race, that’s for sure. If you want good men in this world, we’ve got to have good lovin’; and that means letting women love whom they please, in whatever way they see fit, and marry as they wish. In my younger days I had plenty of company, and I’m still an honorable woman. My five husbands certainly thought so, for they were all proud to marry me in front of the church door.

My husbands would all tell you I’m the best around as far as wifely duties go, and that’s not from a lack of experience, I tell you. God didn’t make me gap-toothed for nothing! I’ve got some good equipment, if I do say so myself, and I’ll be as free with it as I please, especially in marriage.

While we’re on the subject of duties, I’d like to say a thing or two about husbandly duties. Why do you believe it is only the wife’s duty to love her husband? I’d say it’s also the husband’s duty to love his wife, in the parlor and in the bedroom. He owes me a debt, just as I owe him one, and I’ll give it to him morning and night, as long as he pays his debt to me in return. Ideally, I’d like a husband who’s my slave, just as so many wives are slaves to their husbands, and I believe that I should have the power to do with his body what I wish.

Furthermore, I’ve had just about enough of tales of wicked wives. If women were the ones who wrote the history books, there would be plenty of stories about wicked men. None of my husbands were saints, and one of them even hit me so hard he made me deaf in one ear! He even had the gall to say it was my own fault that he hit me! So I showed him what was what and hit him back. After that he gave me complete control of the house, the land, his tongue, and his hand, and he was as kind to me as I was to him, which was very kind indeed.

Now turn your ears to me, friends, for I’ve got a tale that will teach you a thing or two about how to treat a woman! You think you know what women want most in the world? Hah! We women are varied in our desires, to be sure, but in the end we all want one thing. I’ll give you a hint… it’s spelled R-E-S-P-E-C-T!!

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About Alex Mueller

Alex Mueller can be found running and cycling the streets and suburbs of Boston, taking long sojourns in rare book archives whenever he can. He teaches English at UMass Boston, serves as Book Review Editor for Arthuriana, and writes about digital pedagogy, open access publishing, and medieval literature.

2 thoughts on “Chastity is for the Birds

  1. Alisoun, Surely if your husband Jenkin had lived he would offer A proper blow about your head that would put your foolish behaviour in check! It seems you need to be reminded of the place a woman who is a good christian Should keep. While you interpret the good book in your silly ways for your own interpretations the good brothers and other clergy are praying for your very soul. The Nun's Priest

  2. Amen Alisoun! You are right in sayin' we woman want respect from our men! Ain't no man that demand my respect that I don't demand it right back! Woman must be respectful to the man of the house tho'. I ain't 'greein' with all them marriages you got yourself into. I was always faithful to my big Walter til' the day he die, God rest his soul. Seems like all that foolin' 'round just gets you into trouble too. My son Walter and his wife Ruth god 'nother baby on the way. We is barely livin' in the space we got. Seems to me there is more to think 'bout in marriage than makin' your bodies feel good. We livin' in times where we must struggle to survive. Families got to stick together.

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